The UK’s Shoot-to-Kill policy has been extended to people seen browsing supermarkets and newsagents wearing grubby dressing gowns and slippers, we can reveal.
The new measure follows a severe increase in reports of shoppers seen lolloping around in tattered and musky bed wear, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they’re adults living in a civilised society.
“I support this measure”, said Martin Williams, a Tesco Express manager living in Wrexham. “People pop to Tesco Express to grab a few bits for the fridge, not to see your cellulite mushrooming over your ill-fitting Spongebob Squarepants pyjama bottoms. You’re in your thirties, please go home and reevaluate things.”
According to the new policy, police may use the controversial Shoot-to-Kill measure if the shopper refuses to leave, or attempts to pass their laziness off as being “too busy with the kids to get changed”.
In related news, the immediate punishment for anyone caught in public wearing crocs with white socks will remain at the death penalty.