NHS to prescribe insomnia sufferers with England games

Jordan Henderson alone is classed as four doses of valium

 

The NHS is proposing to tackle the problem of insomnia by prescribing sufferers with just one dose of an England game, it’s been revealed.

It’s hoped the new approach will save the NHS hundreds of thousands every year, as insomniacs will no longer require the medication traditionally prescribed.

Dr Mike Williams, who is leading the trials, said: “If you’re struggling to switch your brain off and you haven’t had a decent kip for weeks, we’re now recommending a 30 minute dose of an England v Slovenia qualifier, or an England v Malta one, or just an England qualifier generally. The pills come in the form of a DVD, which is much more cost-effective”.

Emma Parry, from Swansea, has been plagued with sleepless nights for months and thought she’d never find a solution. “This has been a miracle”, she explained. “After watching Jordan Henderson passing the ball back to Gary Cahill over and over again for just twenty minutes, I was out for the count. Wonderful”.

Despite promising results from the trials, Dr Williams has advised caution. “This is effective, but the risk of accidental overdose is high. One patient somehow remained awake for 80 minutes of England’s recent clash with Slovakia.

“We’re still trying to wake him up”.