Wrexham spy assassinations being wrongly dismissed as spice overdoses

"Jesus, Darren. You should've said you were a KGB target"

 

Dozens of traitors to the Kremlin based in Wrexham are being wrongly passed off as spice users by the council, we can reveal.

Often found slumped on benches shouting incoherently at ducks and small children, many are moved on and deemed ‘off their bollocks’ on a synthetic blend of smokable leaves they probably bought at the bus station, when some are in fact targets of eastern European intelligence agencies.

Local police officer Andy Davies, who’s been battling spice addicts for nearly two years, said: “It turns out a bloke I nicked last week was a double-agent being targeted by the KGB for crimes against the Soviet Union back in the 80s. He’d been administered a toxic nerve agent through a drinking straw by a blonde Russian lady”.

“I thought he’d been smoking a fat joint of cannabinoids and I nicked him for being sick on his shoes outside WH Smith. I didn’t realise he was a part of a network leaking intelligence to MI5.

“Now I just feel silly.”