A loving father is just one ten minute Peppa Pig episode away from committing the biggest mass homicide in recent history, he has claimed.

With school holidays coming to a close next week, father of three Mike Jones said he is concerned about himself psychologically. “I’ve picked up one of those psychopath twitches in my eye”, he said today while staring blankly at a wall.

“When the kids first broke up from school I was managing to block it out, but by August it got so bad I actually bought a massive joint of ham from Tesco and just started stabbing at it furiously in the shed pretending it was Daddy Pig’s stupid face. Is that normal?”

The desperate dad added: “Why at the end of each episode do they collapse on the floor in a fit of mad hysterics? Why do they do that?” he added before collapsing on the floor in a fit of mad hysterics.