The mental asylum in Denbigh has failed to pass a basic cleanliness test set out by the health board for the tenth year in a row, it’s been revealed.

“There’s graffiti on the walls and dead rats under the beds”, said health advisor Simon Briggs. “And I’m no Derek Acorah, but I’m pretty sure the place is haunted as shit as well”.

The health board were forced to abandon the test early after they were chased out of the building by a poltergeist, which later turned out to be Elwyn and his Alsatian.

They added: “Following yet another failed test, we have no choice but to move Denbigh Mental Asylum down into second place in the hospital league table for standards across North Wales”.