Any form of recycling will soon be a criminal offence in Flintshire, a council spokesman has confirmed. Following the announcement of the proposed skip centre closures, they have now decided to go full hog and put an end to any kind of household recycling activity.

Speaking from County Hall today, the spokesman said: “We just hate recycling. It’s time consuming and people are always asking for replacement bags because the wind has blown theirs away, or some bollocks like that. It’s expensive”.

Anybody seen attempting to recycle anything from empty bean cans, juice boxes to wine bottles will face an on-the-spot fine and potential court action.

When questioned about the likely backlash from residents, the spokesman added: “If you people are that passionate about recycling, just re-use the stuff yourself. Make new shoes for your kids out of empty pizza boxes, or cut a milk bottle in half, turn it upside down and you’ve got yourself a funky new salad bowl”.

“I don’t know, go nuts. Fucking hippies”.