The small village of Hawarden in Flintshire will soon cut all ties and associations with ex-footballer turned co-commentator Michael Owen, in a desperate bid to rebuild its reputation.

The ex Liverpool and United forward, who was born in Chester but raised in the village, owns several properties in the area, and is often seen in the local pub drinking lager and telling small children looking for an autograph to piss off.

“Have you heard him on that BT Sport?” Said villager David Jones. “It’s like listening to a wasp trapped in an empty can of Carling. I cancelled my BT Sport subscription after the first match. And I was getting it for free too.

“On behalf of the populace of Hawarden, I would like to announce that we do not want to be associated with this man any longer”.